When caregiving for an elderly parent becomes a burden, Sourcewise is there to help

Jennifer Blalack already had nursed her husband back to health after a lymphoma diagnosis and helped care for her dying mother when her elderly father — a widower with a host of medical and mobility issues — moved into her Morgan Hill home.

Like so many Americans thrust into full-time caregiving roles for aging parents, Blalack, 66, was committed to her 96-year-old father by love and duty. She set up a guest room with a sliding door to the garden, arranged all his doctor appointments, maintained all his prescriptions, lugged his wheelchair in and out of the car and, every evening, played crossword puzzles with him to keep his mind sharp.

But during their first few months together, she found herself overwhelmed and “in a very dark space.” Uncertain where to turn, she called 211 — the mental health and community resource line.

That’s when she learned about Sourcewise, a nonprofit that has been providing support services for seniors and their caregivers across Santa Clara County for more than 50 years. It was the start of a journey for Blalack that included not only a caregiving support group but an unexpected gift that came when she needed it most: 40 hours of free respite. In other words, $1,000 to hire someone else to watch her father for a week.

She started making plans with her husband, Russell, to spend a week in Northeastern California’s Lost Sierra.

A contribution to Wish Book would replenish the respite fund to allow Sourcewise to provide up to 40-hour respite weeks to more unpaid caregivers — a benefit that can be used to pay extended family members, friends or even neighbors to fill in.

The need is tremendous and growing.

“The caregiver burnout we see is just unbelievable,” said Adrianna Stankovich, program manager at Sourcewise.

It’s taking a toll. Unpaid caregivers tend to have more chronic conditions than their non-caregiving peers, Stankovich said, “and it’s strictly related to the stress involved in caregiving and not taking care of yourself.”

Across the country, more than 43 million Americans serve in unpaid caregiving roles — and, like Blalack, half of them are caring for their parents or in-laws.

Juli Arnold, of Colorado, was one of them and reached out to Sourcewise for help with her aging mother who lived alone in Sunnyvale. Sourcewise first arranged for Meals on Wheels to be delivered. Then, when her mother became dependent on a wheelchair and Arnold moved back into her childhood home, Sourcewise provided her with a steady stream of webinars and other services to teach her how to safely bathe, move and prevent her mother from falling. She also attended caregiver support groups.

“I didn’t have any idea what I was doing,” Arnold said. Sourcewise taught her “all the kinds of things that I never really thought about until I was actually with her all the time.”

Arnold also took advantage of the 40-hour respite gift, which paid the $1,000 to Arnold’s sister, who otherwise couldn’t afford to leave her job for a week to watch their mother. Arnold was able to fly home to her husband in Colorado for a week. And when Arnold’s mother died, Sourcewise offered grief counseling.

“They have been a lifeline,” she said.

Most children don’t anticipate becoming caregivers for their parents. It often comes unexpectedly: a diagnosis of dementia, the death of a spouse, a financial crisis. Sometimes, the arrangement can bring unexpected joys and strengthen multigenerational bonds.

“I just felt like it was my job to take care of her, just like she took care of me when I was a child,” Arnold said. “I feel it was an honor.”

But each situation can also dredge up old family dynamics and strain, no matter how many decades have passed, and lead to new ones when financial and personal responsibilities are piled on to one sibling and not others. Often those responsibilities fall on the women in the family.

Sourcewise is there to help navigate those stresses and connect families with numerous programs across the valley to keep their elderly parents engaged and even out of the house, including senior centers, adult day programs and dementia programs. Low-income seniors on Medi-Cal may also qualify for free caregiving services from Santa Clara County through its In-Home Supportive Services program, but many seniors don’t qualify, so Sourcewise also provides advice on health insurance and where to hire private caregivers.

At one point, Blalack considered a long-term care facility for her father, Hamish Scott Knight. They visited one together that she believed could give her father the social life he was missing and allow her the time with her husband to travel. But when they returned home that day, her father announced, “I’d rather die.”

Scott Knight, who was an 11-year-old boy growing up in England when World War II broke out, said he’s perfectly content living with his daughter and her family in their Morgan Hill home.

“I’m one of the luckiest men in the world,” he said with a hearty laugh.

Blalack didn’t think she’d have the courage to move him out, anyway. They share a deep bond.

“Come on Poppy,” she said on a recent autumn day, settling him into his sturdy chair on the back deck where he could watch the birds and butterflies in the garden.

“You have to dig deeper to remain optimistic,” she said.

Once a week, Blalack hires a caregiver so she and her husband can sing in a community choir. It helps.

She wishes she could hit a repeat button on the 40 hours of free caregiving from Sourcewise. Even Stankovich from the nonprofit knows “it’s never enough.””

But for that one week, when her neighbor cared for her father during the day and her son, Travis, spent the night, Blalack and her husband disappeared into the far reaches of the Lost Sierra near Downeyville. They hiked along a river and up to a hidden waterfall. They stayed at a charming Inn and barely thought about the responsibilities back home.

“I forgot what it was like to have all of that freedom,” she said. “It restored me in phenomenal ways.”

THE WISH BOOK SERIES
Wish Book is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization operated by The Mercury News. Since 1983, Wish Book has been producing series of stories during the holiday season that highlight the wishes of those in need and invite readers to help fulfill them.

WISH
Donations to Sourcewise will help pay for respite for up to 20 unpaid caregivers. Goal: $12,000

HOW TO GIVE
Donate at wishbook.mercurynews.com/donate or mail in this form.

ONLINE EXTRA
Read other Wish Book stories, view photos and video at wishbook.mercurynews.com.

Originally Published: December 5, 2024 at 6:15 AM PST